Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
