Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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