dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
