Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
