my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
