Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I came so hard my ears popped.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
