Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
