i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
