I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
