I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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