Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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