she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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