did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
