Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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