im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
