I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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