Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
