She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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