The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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