what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
