I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
