I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
