I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
