My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
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She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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