Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Randomize
