so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
