I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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