I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
