if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
