She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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