Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
