I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My dick has a subreddit
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
