when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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