You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
