some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
