anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
