I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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