Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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