peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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