So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
