So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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