four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
