I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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