I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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