he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
