I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
