so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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