I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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