Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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