Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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