I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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