My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
