He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
