Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
