He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
