Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
