The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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