I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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