i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just want nice things and good sex
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
