he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
