4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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